'I may be too strung out on compliments, overdosed on confidence, starting not to give a fuck and stop fearing the consequence' - Drake
Ventilation:
They say that "It'll all come together when you least expect it," or they atleast say something similar to that. Shit I don't even know who "they" are or what "it" is, but the point I'm trying to make, is that "it" did come together. I woke up this morning and went through the regular routine like I always do, there was no change, no highlight, just got up, showered, get dressed and went to work. I arrived a minute or so late but I wasn't phased, the work was still gonna get done. I sat down, checked some things, ate some cereal, sent some emails and begin working on some additional work. At some point before 11am though, my attitude changed. I'm pretty sure I know why, but yall don't need to worry about it. Actually, fuck it, yea my attitude changed because of a simple text message. Or perhaps the lack there of a reply.
Now I must admit, it wasn't just the text. I've been kinda of edgy as of late and I guess today was just the straw that broke my back. I began writing something around lunch time to get my thoughts out and truth be told its still not finished (yet) and then I checked my facebook. Low and behold my homeboy 'the photographer' posted something that pretty much was a springboard for my 'ventilation'. A couple people commented and aside from the the photographers wife, they're not important, simply because I don't know them well enough to mention them.
The "photographer" said this... "Ladies please don't let your photoshoped pics, painted faces, plastic surgery, etc get to your head. All of that is fake. The real you is what you see in the mirror when you wake up. Make sure you really are bad before you start talking that talk and try to lose the tude.." It was a random thought on his side, but it might as well be the match the lit my fuse. Actually no, it was more like the detonator to my already primed charge [I've been hanging out with some military folks lately lol]. So I went in on what he said, saying 'say it again, damnit' but as soon as I pressed the enter key I knew it wasn't enough, so I retracted, deleted and re-wrote it first apologizing for the retraction and then pretty much going in on the ladies by saying that "YES, that is real fuckin talk. yall [meaning the ladies] want honesty from the dudes? Then please I invite you to read what the "photographer" just wrote, over and over and over again. Now I'm usually not like this...ask the photographer, shit ask the photographers wife... but the shit is getting to some of yalls heads and its fucking rediculous (<--in my kanye voice). Yes yall are beautiful, thats why we compliment and sometimes even try to get at you. But dont let your 'painted faces' (ha, thats funny) and all around sex appeal effect the the concept of your real inner beauty. period." Seconds later, the "photographer" gave me a kudos in the form of "That was on point Foots!!!"
But oddly I wasn't finished, people who know me, know I'm about keeping a smile on a face especially that of a rather attractive woman. I prefer smiles over frowns or any other facial expression 9 times out of 10, but I guess I hit my boiling point (like I said, I got pushed over the edge) so I ran with it again.
I had to let whoever was reading it at this point know, that "I'm usually not like this...but fuck it I gotta let em know'. It was like the "Photographer" knew what I was talking about because he threw out his 2 cents on his attraction for "the more natural look." He went on to say that he's "Never been a boobie guy (lol) so implants and all that ain't for me. If u can pull off no make up, sweat pants and some jordans you a winner... A lot of girls these days are plain arrogant and delusional and I place a big part of the blame on dudes that will say and do anything to get some."..It was like dude was lining em up so I could knock em down, I felt exactly where he was coming from, we had similar, yet different, interests, so I let him know that he was on point in his statement, and then said 'anything more than a handful is over the top for me, cause I got some big hands (lol). But yea, I like em in sweats and J's too, but I can't lie, I love it when they're all 'painted' up as well. Perfection would be the way Aaliyah looked in that video with DMX [Back in 1 Piece], good lord...lol. We knew she looked good 'painted up' and what not, but in some sweats, a hoody, and some tims...WOW! And yea, arrogant and delusional (<--agree and agree) and HYFR [Hell Yea Fuckin Right] to what you said about these dudes who will say or do anything to get some cut. Thats not what lifes about. They'll realize that when they either A) get older or B) find someone who'll broaden their horizons further than 30 minutes of 'cut time'. Its dudes like them, that make it hard for real dudes to get anywhere with anyone. Pisses me the F*CK off actually. Step to a good girl and treat her good, don't spit some bullsh*t just cause you trying to hit..." I guess I shocked a few heads because the 'likes' came in and even the "photographers wife" said 'Foots, I knew I fucked with you homie.. well said...well said.."
Whats weird about it though, is I still don't think I got my point across....
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
It ended as fast as it started (pt.2)
"Hey, I know sh*t get kinda f*cked up sometimes you know, I know you can get kinda carried away with yourself. But uh, why dont you be real with me and be real with you at the same time. You can't get what you get here no where else ma. Keep it real now...You Knowwwwww" -T.I
It ended as fast as it started...again. She entered his life with the same quickness as she had originally left it and before they knew it, things were back in full swing. Back to doing the things that felt right to do together, back to spending the time that was once a constant in their relationship. (Perhaps the speed at which things picked up is what made him blind). He always had a knack for making her smile and this time around the smiles seemed more genuine than the last. Everytime she did the feelings of the past would temporarily revisit him but he pushed them to the side and stayed caught up in the moment that was then.
He was in denial. Refusing to believe he was making, what others perceived as, a bad decision and some said was a mistake. He didn't head the words that echo'd in his head, and refused to believe that "he was setting himself up for failure."
Things appeared to be different than they once were, because there was actually 'effort' by her as opposed to it all coming from him. Despite their initial seperation, and the conditions that influenced such, it all seemed to flow smoother than before. Before long, he knew it, he was caught up and back to feeling like he had originally felt. Did she feel the same though? In realizing the same old things were happening again, he paused. He didn't want to be caught sleeping like last time nor did he want to be played the fool yet again.
In an effort to better understand the path the two appeared to be heading down, he asked a simple question. It wasn't "that" question, but based on her response, or lack there of, it might as well been. She treated this simple heartfelt no thinking required question it like it was a life altering decision and instead of saying what was in her heart, she remained silent. Silence is a motherfucka and he knew it. She seemed to know silence as a mind fuck. Yet still they kept on, and pushed the "non-resolved" to the side. She appeared to like it that way, continuing on and staying clear of any conversations which could harpen back on the answeer that she had yet to provide. Meanwhile he patiently waited, all while following through with being who he's always been to her. He was a good dude.
Still though, he wanted an answer to his question, he felt he deserved it, especially based on their 'history'. But in his continued efforts to cater to her needs, which was foolish, he allowed her what she considered 'time to organize her thoughts'. Nevermind the fact that a hearfelt question deserves a heartfelt response and planning" shouldn't be needed when responding from the heart. He knew this, and she knew this, but still the words were never spoken (or written). So, holding on to a false hope, he allowed this response (or lack there of) to be adequate enough to continue on. He was foolish and in fact, 'setting himself up for failure'.
It wasn't until 1 night that he made a comment that changed his perception. This comment was slightly related to the avoided question, but more of a flirtation. He saw it as it as innocent in nature, as most of his comments towards her usually are. She however saw it as rude. At that point an all too familiar feeling quickly re-emerged and made its prescence known. He knew that in no time, things would end as fast as they started. But he didn't care at this point because she seemingly didn't care either. In 1 instance he allowed a side of him that she had never seen before to emerge, he let his inner asshole out and through sarcasm made his point about how he is deserving of a response.
He hasn't heard from her since.
It ended as fast as it started...again.
It ended as fast as it started...again. She entered his life with the same quickness as she had originally left it and before they knew it, things were back in full swing. Back to doing the things that felt right to do together, back to spending the time that was once a constant in their relationship. (Perhaps the speed at which things picked up is what made him blind). He always had a knack for making her smile and this time around the smiles seemed more genuine than the last. Everytime she did the feelings of the past would temporarily revisit him but he pushed them to the side and stayed caught up in the moment that was then.
He was in denial. Refusing to believe he was making, what others perceived as, a bad decision and some said was a mistake. He didn't head the words that echo'd in his head, and refused to believe that "he was setting himself up for failure."
Things appeared to be different than they once were, because there was actually 'effort' by her as opposed to it all coming from him. Despite their initial seperation, and the conditions that influenced such, it all seemed to flow smoother than before. Before long, he knew it, he was caught up and back to feeling like he had originally felt. Did she feel the same though? In realizing the same old things were happening again, he paused. He didn't want to be caught sleeping like last time nor did he want to be played the fool yet again.
In an effort to better understand the path the two appeared to be heading down, he asked a simple question. It wasn't "that" question, but based on her response, or lack there of, it might as well been. She treated this simple heartfelt no thinking required question it like it was a life altering decision and instead of saying what was in her heart, she remained silent. Silence is a motherfucka and he knew it. She seemed to know silence as a mind fuck. Yet still they kept on, and pushed the "non-resolved" to the side. She appeared to like it that way, continuing on and staying clear of any conversations which could harpen back on the answeer that she had yet to provide. Meanwhile he patiently waited, all while following through with being who he's always been to her. He was a good dude.
Still though, he wanted an answer to his question, he felt he deserved it, especially based on their 'history'. But in his continued efforts to cater to her needs, which was foolish, he allowed her what she considered 'time to organize her thoughts'. Nevermind the fact that a hearfelt question deserves a heartfelt response and planning" shouldn't be needed when responding from the heart. He knew this, and she knew this, but still the words were never spoken (or written). So, holding on to a false hope, he allowed this response (or lack there of) to be adequate enough to continue on. He was foolish and in fact, 'setting himself up for failure'.
It wasn't until 1 night that he made a comment that changed his perception. This comment was slightly related to the avoided question, but more of a flirtation. He saw it as it as innocent in nature, as most of his comments towards her usually are. She however saw it as rude. At that point an all too familiar feeling quickly re-emerged and made its prescence known. He knew that in no time, things would end as fast as they started. But he didn't care at this point because she seemingly didn't care either. In 1 instance he allowed a side of him that she had never seen before to emerge, he let his inner asshole out and through sarcasm made his point about how he is deserving of a response.
He hasn't heard from her since.
It ended as fast as it started...again.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Read between the lines...
Read between the Lines:
It's been a quite a while since I last posted anything to my page. I don't know what's wrong with me, it's not like I haven't had the time to do anything. I actually found myself with more time than usual due to a stoppage in the extra curricular activities that generally occupy most of my evenings or entire weekends. Why? Because in my attempts to play football and a high level on a cold day where I didn't stretch enough, I inadvertently hurt my back and was sidelined for a good month or so. When it happened I told myself that I'd defiinitely be doing some writing while "on the sideline". But 'saying' and 'doing' are 2 different things and a majority of my "sideline time" was spent watching TV or surfing the net. Once again I was overtaken by "lack of following through" or more commonly referred to as laziness.
Actually no, I take that back, I have been following through on a few things, just not necessarily the things I said I'd follow through on. I've had my eyes trained on and sights "dialed in" on something that...well something that's just creating more stress than needed. I need to just wash my hands of it and keep it moving though because its not worth the headache anymore. Besides there are other things I could persue that would be less stressful yet more productive.
I need to stop focusing on 'the thought' and instead concentrate on 'the dream' and what it takes to accomplish it. At the end of the day it all comes down to me and I need to stop dragging my feet.
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