I regret the lie...

[(Wrote this a while back, never posted, never forgotten)]


Ok look its been a long time since I posted anything on here because quite honestly the urge hasn't hit like me like it once did. There have been some things going on in my little world that have made the bigger world a little bit more difficult to deal with. Not all bad things, but defintiely not all good things either. While there have been bright spots, because in deed there have been some truely memorable and unforgettable events and moments. Dark days have reigned supreme since the ball dropped. .

Now in the grand scheme of things, its nothing that "little time won't heal", well... to you. But to me its been a steady feeling of regret, complete and utter regret actually, and I can't point the finger at any one person but myself. I can't do anything about it but learn from it, and never do it again. Because A) nothing is going to be like it once was,  B) anything I say now is not going to change what I said then, and C) I've got no choice, but to learn. Its crazy  when I think of all the cliche's and metaphors that can be linked to this,and how it pretty much dictates the meaning around them.

It dates back pretty far so its not like its been anything recent that has put me in this spiral. It's just eating at me more now, kind of consuming me. Looking back now at what it was then, my actions were highly uncalled for and unwarranted hundred times over. So sadly the current state that I'm in should really be no surprise. Now, I didn't exactly run off and do something people in the world may view as "the worst of the worst", but I did do something that people may interpret as the worst. I lied. And to some people, thats the worst thing a person could do. I admit it though.... I lied... I witheld information and told untruths. I manipulated the truth to a degree that made it seem like what I was doing, was ok and since there wasn't any "real harm" being done, then, at the time, I felt like it was "no foul". Everyone's lied about something before, this was mine. I looked at it as if there was no "harm" being done in what I was doing. Turns out, it was quite a bit, and I didn't realize until it was too late. I regret that.

Now some of yall may know exactly what I'm talking about. Most likely you do because, you know me and what really pushes my buttons. You know how I am and can sense it in my mannerisms and actions. You can see the visible change, (so to speak) and what really alarms you is that I haven't said much. Some don't care at all. Others however may have their suspicions but aren't exactly saying anything. And lastly there may be a few who think they are entitled to know what (and why) I've been acting the way I have. Sorry, but this is my issue, I'll deal with it, I have no choice. At the end of the day, I brought it on myself. I appreciate the level of concern you may have though, its comforting to know that there are people out there who care. I'm glad I have you in my corner.
But again, this is my doing. I regret that too.

I regret the day you found out...
I regret the words I said...
I regret not presenting the facts as they were...
I regret keeping you in the dark....
I regret thinking it would not come back to haunt me...
I regret allowing myself to believe that what I was saying was "ok."
I regret my actions that ensued....
I reget saying 1 thing, while meaning another...
I regret not reciprocating the truth...
I regret not taking advantage of the positive situation that had presented itself...
I regret giving up the past, present and future for something that never was...
I regret accepting the negative...
I regret the way it feels now...
I regret losing you...
I regret the lie.


Don't feel sorry for me, I brought it on myself. I'll bounce back, believe that, someones got to.