I regret the lie...

[(Wrote this a while back, never posted, never forgotten)]


Ok look its been a long time since I posted anything on here because quite honestly the urge hasn't hit like me like it once did. There have been some things going on in my little world that have made the bigger world a little bit more difficult to deal with. Not all bad things, but defintiely not all good things either. While there have been bright spots, because in deed there have been some truely memorable and unforgettable events and moments. Dark days have reigned supreme since the ball dropped. .

Now in the grand scheme of things, its nothing that "little time won't heal", well... to you. But to me its been a steady feeling of regret, complete and utter regret actually, and I can't point the finger at any one person but myself. I can't do anything about it but learn from it, and never do it again. Because A) nothing is going to be like it once was,  B) anything I say now is not going to change what I said then, and C) I've got no choice, but to learn. Its crazy  when I think of all the cliche's and metaphors that can be linked to this,and how it pretty much dictates the meaning around them.

It dates back pretty far so its not like its been anything recent that has put me in this spiral. It's just eating at me more now, kind of consuming me. Looking back now at what it was then, my actions were highly uncalled for and unwarranted hundred times over. So sadly the current state that I'm in should really be no surprise. Now, I didn't exactly run off and do something people in the world may view as "the worst of the worst", but I did do something that people may interpret as the worst. I lied. And to some people, thats the worst thing a person could do. I admit it though.... I lied... I witheld information and told untruths. I manipulated the truth to a degree that made it seem like what I was doing, was ok and since there wasn't any "real harm" being done, then, at the time, I felt like it was "no foul". Everyone's lied about something before, this was mine. I looked at it as if there was no "harm" being done in what I was doing. Turns out, it was quite a bit, and I didn't realize until it was too late. I regret that.

Now some of yall may know exactly what I'm talking about. Most likely you do because, you know me and what really pushes my buttons. You know how I am and can sense it in my mannerisms and actions. You can see the visible change, (so to speak) and what really alarms you is that I haven't said much. Some don't care at all. Others however may have their suspicions but aren't exactly saying anything. And lastly there may be a few who think they are entitled to know what (and why) I've been acting the way I have. Sorry, but this is my issue, I'll deal with it, I have no choice. At the end of the day, I brought it on myself. I appreciate the level of concern you may have though, its comforting to know that there are people out there who care. I'm glad I have you in my corner.
But again, this is my doing. I regret that too.

I regret the day you found out...
I regret the words I said...
I regret not presenting the facts as they were...
I regret keeping you in the dark....
I regret thinking it would not come back to haunt me...
I regret allowing myself to believe that what I was saying was "ok."
I regret my actions that ensued....
I reget saying 1 thing, while meaning another...
I regret not reciprocating the truth...
I regret not taking advantage of the positive situation that had presented itself...
I regret giving up the past, present and future for something that never was...
I regret accepting the negative...
I regret the way it feels now...
I regret losing you...
I regret the lie.


Don't feel sorry for me, I brought it on myself. I'll bounce back, believe that, someones got to.

A False Fantasy...

There comes a time when you have have to grow. Sometimes it hurts....

["Love the game, but not all the cortezone in the world could conceal the pain" - Wale (Varsity Blues) ]

Every day I wake up,

I look over to my side

And there she is, sleeping.

My beautiful bride

Her head lay on the pillow

While her body so calm

I always ask myself why?

And how'd I wait for so long

Closer I get to her.

I love the days like this

Each one starts  like it ends

So I lean in for my kiss

She wakes up with the smile

Fell in love with it from the start

She wakes up knowing

That I'll never break her heart

Throughout the day we talk,

Email, Text and IM

A groom with a lovely bride

Can't believe that I'm him

Coming home is like a rush.

Head to toe, all the senses

Sometimes its overwhelming

I'm her prince, she's my princess

Cooking in the kitchen,

Pouring glasses full of wine

I didn't like the red

But for you I'll say 'its fine'

Chopping up the veggies

Skillet warming, meat ready

Water in the pot. Sauce and Noodles

Love making you spaghetti

1 bottle down, so we open another

While sitting at our table

We toast to each other.

Dishes in the washer,

Rinse the pots, rinse the pans

"I got this baby, you go lay down,

 rest those pretty hands"

TV comes on,

We watch our little show

Soft kisses, in my arms

In the light of the, glow

"Wake up baby, its getting late"

My eyes open to your smile

"Lets go to bed", I take your hand

Behind you, I'd follow miles.

We go into our room.

You cross the threshold in my arms

We undress, off tomorrow

So tonight...no alarms

Pillows tossed onto the floor

In bed now, side by side

Loving the time we spend together

I love you as my bride

Every day is like a rush with you

I love you down to my inner core.

I'd swim around this whole world for u.

Just meet me at the shore.

Asking you those 4 little words...

"Will you, marry me"

I'll never forget that smile,

When you said 'yes', so happily.

I remember it like its yesterday

Everything clear and so bright

Then I open my eyes, to see whats happening

Sadly I focus and see the light.

What I've said to you in the words above,

Hasn't happened this is fantasy.

Because I lied to the woman I loved

So now there's no her, or me.

Hope you enjoy what you've read.

About the pain that I've carried

She's not the 1 in my life

And unfortunately...we're not married